Who Am I?
Hi, my name is Debbie. I am past the 50 year mark of birthdays and I am sensing that this may be just a “too little-too late” thing to say. It also seems cliche, but regardless, I am on a journey. A journey to understanding how to take care of myself inside and out. I am a mother of three beautiful grown children and nana to 3 amazing grandkids. I work full-time as a front receptionist and admin assistant to a group of financial advisors. I also have a part-time job serving at a chain restaurant. I, probably like a lot of people, put myself on the backburner for most of my life as I transitioned through each season of life till I am where I am now. Some of it was just a lack of knowledge, some of it was not caring; furthermore, some was just simply being in survival mode for years. I have never put the value on self-care to be honest. Don’t get me wrong…I have always taken a normal amount of care in order to present myself well to the outside world, but I have always just did what I needed to do to get through the day. That, was sometimes…most times, at the expense of my own personal health and well-being. Though I may have looked well on the outside, I know now that I was not-so-well on the inside, both emotionally and spiritually. This blog. at its very core, is about me learning how to do more of what is best for my well-being. I will start off with telling some of my story without all the gory details, but just enough for you to know that I am not really all that put together as some may feel, or even as much as I feel I should be, to do “a blog”. My goal is to be real with myself and genuine in my writing, and the Lord willing, if it is possible, help someone else along the way. So thank you for stopping by. Blessings!
Me and the Beach
https://www.visitsarasota.com/siesta-key
Happy Place …not so Happy Endings
May 15, 2024
I love the beach, but not just any beach really. I love the beaches along the gulf coast of Florida. Nothing on the earth makes be feel more alive and more at rest than to linger near such a massive mighty body of water. It is truly my happiest of places. Many of the same things people love about the beach is what I love, the feeling of sand between my toes, the smell of the salt in the air, both the warmth of the sun and the coolness of the breeze coming off the water, the sound of the surf and seagulls, and of course the sun sets are the most beautiful things my blue eyes have ever seen. A piece of heaven on earth for me. The moment, as an adult, I saw the ocean for the first time, I was overwhelmed with such a sense of smallness. My eyes instantly began to tear up at the awesomeness of seeing nothing but white caps for as far as my eyes could see. Then as the tide rolled in, I felt a surge of not just emotion, but of energy when the water rushed up onto my feet and rose to almost my knees. Then as I felt the sand disappear from under my feet, I just closed my eyes as if letting it all go when the tide retreated back. For me, the beach is just as much a spiritual place as it is a physical one. Florida would be one of my favorite vacation destinations in years to come. Trips with my husband, a huge family trip with all our kids and our oldest son’s girlfriend, who would become my beautiful daughter-in-law, Erin. And then finally, a bitter sweet trip with our best of couple friends, Jaime & Shanna. That would be my last trip to the Florida Gulf to this date.
This was me at the beach. I honestly do not know the exact year, but it was sometime between 2009 and 2011. I was in a good place. This was a trip for my husband and I to Siesta Key, Florida. It would be our second trip to Florida to celebrate our wedding anniversary. I was just ordained into full-time ministry as my church’s worship pastor. I felt my life was complete. I was married to the guy I fell in love with when I was 16, married at 19 and had three amazing kids with. I was doing what I loved. I loved God, I loved people and I loved music. Music, specifically singing, was how I best connected to God and people. I was loving my life. It was not perfect, but it was lovely. I felt whole. I felt strong. I felt confident in who I was and that I was walking in purpose. My identity was intertwined in all those roles and spaces I filled. Whether it was helping the kids with homework, trying to cook a not-so-healthy, yet filling meal, praying with a friend, leading a small group, planning a night out with my husband or a night of worship for our church. I bounced around like a pin ball from one to another. But even in the fury of it all, I loved the place where I was at in life. The day this picture was taken, I was saying good-bye to the beach. It was our last moment on the beach before heading to the airport to fly back home to Amarillo, TX. Where there is no mighty body of water.
Here’s the ugly…fast forward to September of 2021. I am not in a good place anymore. I resigned my position and left the church that my husband and I had stepped out in faith to start in 2015. I am now divorced after 30 years of marriage. I am not feeling very strong or confident anymore. I felt I lost any resemblance of who I was. I even to some extent lost my faith…my trust in God and people. My life was full and broken. It was full of a heavy weighted blanket of sadness, hopelessness, fear and grief. Everyday was a challenge to just get out of bed, to pull my shit together, and try to behave like a person NOT hemorrhaging from within . The brokenness I felt on the inside began to spill over into the outside. I no longer cared for myself. I was in pain constantly, but numb. I was feeling everything was out of control, but stuck. In a Nutshell…the betrayal and deconstruction of my marriage coupled with the lack of care I felt from others I loved and trusted at that time, “oven-mitted” me into the fire. I… was… lost. I thought I knew what “lost” was, but during that season, I had a new revelation of what it was to be lost and alone. My only friend I felt genuinely loved me and cared for my yesterday, today and tomorrow, was my daughter, Lyndzi. She was a constant ground for me. She and my grandson, Hudson, gave me what I needed to put my feet on the floor every morning.
So today, I know I’m in a better place. I have not yet seen the happy ending. I feel I have come such a long way, but I have a ways to go before I get back to the place of wholeness I felt. I am going to church again. I feel God is putting good people in my life. Though I still struggle with seeing my worth, I know I am on the path that will lead to the healing of my broken heart, soul, and spirit. I trust God will restore what is meant to be restored and everything else will fade into the vapor that is this life. This…is my Journey.